The Aussie Bloke

June 5th is World Environment Day when we’re all supposed to go ga-ga over the friggin flowers and pollution and shit.

Well, to the shithouse with WED. I’ve got a better solution to the world’s problems.

Yeah, I know the following is sposed to have been said by Bill gates or Robin Williams or Eugene Fortasque (I dunno WTF he is either) but they we NOT. Trust me, I’m an Aussie. ‘Sides Snopes says so. So there. Shove that up yer clacker.

Regardless who said it, the following shit is pretty bloody good.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents’ generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time..

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

Rule 12: Pull up your pants and turn that stupid cap around. Better yet - take it off.

And more……….

1) ‘The US will apologize to the world for our ‘interference’ in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those ‘good ‘ole’ boys’, we will never ‘interfere’ again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East , and the Philippines . They don’t want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We’ll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. They’re illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don’t like it there, change it yourself and don’t hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don’t need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign ’students’ over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don’t attend classes, they get a ‘D’ and it’s back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don’t like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not ‘interfere.’ They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides, most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don’t need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us ‘Ugly Americans’ any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH …learn it…or LEAVE…

Now, isn’t that a winner of a plan?

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying ‘Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.’ She’s got a baseball bat and she’s yelling, ”you want a piece of me?”

Me old mate Tufty came down from the north last week to visit me. Good bloke is Tuffs - salt of the earth and all that.

Anyway, I took Tuffs for a ride in the horseless conveyance around town to let him see what the place is like.

Whenever I take people for a ride like this I usually take them around to Munro Crt at the north end of Castlemaine to show them a collection of what must be the world’s most God-awful lookin houses ever built.

This little collection is stuffed cheek to jowl in a tiny plot where yer couldn’t crack a decent cattle whip.

It’s promoted as “eco friendly” and all the usual crap like that. The houses have lots of wood on them (thought yer had to cut down trees to get that stuff) and the wood looks bloody terrible - needs sanding back and painting. Often.

Anyway, when I took old Tuffs there he had one butchers and said “F***in horrible; should be burnt down”.

Tuffs ain’t the first with those thoughts.

I open the local rag today and bugger me if one of the joints isn’t for sale.

“Architect designed” (the architect should have his license taken off him). “Eco-friendly” (but not human-friendly).

The thing wot really got me was the askin price (yew better sit down).

$440,000.

That’s not a typo. I showed the ad to a couple of people who know real estate and all that stuff. They reckoned half that price if yer lucky.

If they get anywhere near the askin price it’ll just PROVE all this eco-carbon-neutral stuff is total crap.

Well, nothing’s changed has it? I piss off for 3 weeks again and even more hell breaks out.
Must be Global Warming.

Did the rounds (of the pubs of course you dimwit) and get the good word from all the fellas.

Last council meeting musta been a doozy. Seems Big Macca’s plans for a little development which have never received any publicity at all suddenly becomes The Big Talking Point.

This is pretty strange as no-one can figure out what could have triggered it. All the hoo-ha that is.

I’ve got me own theory what involves a certain person inside the Mt Alexander Bullshit Office in Lyttleton St letting out some info to a certian bozo what lives in the Chewie Bushlands. Said bozo then gets their pretty pink knickers in a knot, cracks the shits and stirs up the locals harder than Gordon Ramsey making a pudding.

Bushland locals get totally suckered by said bozo and start havin a bloody good burnt ‘n’ singe to any dickhead stupid enough to listen (and there’s plenty of them around).

The whole thing goes pear-shaped and ends up as the best bloody stoush seen in yonks at the last council meeting.

Wotta bunfight, mate!

The Bozo had all his greenie-type supporters and Big Macca had plenty of his mates there too.

The councilors bloody near shit themselves when they realised what was going on. Reckon old Robbo would be bloody glad he’s jumping ship in a cupla weeks, eh?

Anyway, everyone has their little say with Bozo spouting so much bullshit some mistook him for a bull with diarrhea.

The Bushland greenies kept saying how they’d been there since Adam was in nappies and how they cared for the bush blah blah blah.

Some snodgrass in the back of the hall claimed he’d been living there for 28 years, which immediately prompted old Tappin Dave in the front to erupt like a friggin volcanoe with “YOUUUUU LIAARRRRRR!!!!”.

Onya, Dave old son. Snodgrass had to pull his pointy head in and retract the claim. Dave was right. Liar.

There was so much crap going on at one stage we all thought Mayor Al was gunna kak himself with laughter.

Anyways, Big Macca basically came out on top by a country mile. All he ever wanted was for council to consider his application and “follow due process” (I think that’s wot its called).

One of the remaining decent councilors they’ve still got, Crossy, moved the whole thing be looked at for this budget, which is what shoulda happened right off.

Still reckon someone in the Bullshit Office with certain lifestyle leanings tipped off Bozo just to make trouble.

So here we are. Back from workin me guts out on the pickpocket’s arm and what do I find? All hell’s broke loose around the joint.

First that ratty MASG bunch start mouthing off about a bloody wind farm park(that must be the new Greenie-type bullshit word what’s supposed to hide nasty stuff from the masses, huh?). Already caused a stir, especially with those that know the bloody things just don’t friggin work. Never have and probably never will either. Need HUGE $$$ of gummint subsidy. Just like MASG, who are right into the gummint grant handout scam bigtime.

Wadderya know but then the shire CEO says he’s gonna piss off to a better paid job in latte-land Brighton. Good luck to him I s’pose,  but bugger me, mate, wouldn’t yer reckon the buggers’d at least see their bloody contract out? Fer chrissake. Fair suck o’ the sav.  The bloke cops over $150k big ones and doesn’t even live here, then pisses off to the big smoke when he finds something a bit better.

Hope they tie down the next bonce who comes here.

Now we have to go thru all the crap of selecting a new bozo to stuff up expertly manage the shire. Another $20k of the rate-payers dough down the shitter.

You can bet yer RM Williams that one councilor will be itching to be on the selection panel. Yup, old Farmer Noddy. He seemed to be real buddy-buddy with the current bloke, making sure he got his way wherever possible. Funny how so much “grant” money ended up in Noddy’s ward, isn’t it. Not that I would ever suggest there was anything shonky. Nevaahhh.

Anyway, it’s gonna be an interesting old time around these parts. Gitto’s quitting at the end of his term, The Barker seems to be AWL lately, The Little Green Man appears to have to piss off from meetings to assist his missus with the bubs so often it’s predictable and Big Al seems as interested in council as Wayne Carey is in returning to the USA.

I think we need a change of councilors. Some new, some old. I might even stand meself.

That’d really bugger them up.

G’Day Cobbers.

I’m back. That’s gonna give a few people the shits right off.

More soon.